. aaaaaand she’s back .
Hello boos; it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? In case you were wondering where I’ve been, let me quickly start by saying that I have not:
- fallen into a bottomless pit, or
- been sucked into a black hole, or
- run off to Vegas to elope with a man named Alejandro, or
- been abducted by aliens, or
- fallen victim to the Black Death, or
- been lying in the hospital in a vegetative state, or
- come down with amnesia, or
- been hit by a bus, or…
… Actually, I think that about covers most of the bases…
The real reason behind my extended absence isn’t exciting or drastic in any way, but it’s a good reason nonetheless. Allow me to explain…
In an effort to tone-down my raging pudding addiction, I let my supply run out, and I won't buy more until I have things a bit more under control... or until my will power crumbles; whichever comes first. At some point during the past few days, breakfast was a bowl of coconut-blueberry-banana overnight oats, with ground flaxmeal and sliced almonds added for taste and texture. I. was. cold.
When I look back to the days where I first started blogging, I have a hard time believing that I was actually able to post daily; I can’t imagine how I managed to do so without losing my mind. Truth be told, though, I was losing my mind…
The constant pressure I felt from my perceived blogging obligations caused me so much stress, anxiety, and guilt, that I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was losing sleep and passing on life “out there” just so that I could stay home, sit by the computer, and post/comment/e-mail to minimize the anxiety that I felt.
Whoa, hold on a second; red flag going up…
An unshakeable, anxiety-provoking fixation? Sounds an awful lot like an obsession. Having to carry out certain behaviours in order to minimize the anxiety from said fixation? Sounds eerily enough like a compulsion. Put the two together, and you might just have yourself a slight problem…
Allow me to introduce you to my banana bowl. I tend to go through bananas pretty quickly (oats, smoothies, yogurt messes), so it's not exactly easy for them to get to that perfectly ripe point that makes them ideal for banana bread... Since I NEED a regular supply of banana bread, the only option was to start buying more bananas in hopes that they'd survive the green/yellow stage and pass into the spotty brown one. So far, two have managed to make it... meaning banana bread is on the way.
No, I don’t suffer from OCD (at least I hope I don’t…), but I do tend to have a somewhat obsessive-compulsive personality that likes to act up every now and then.
I’m not going to go too in depth with all the psychological jargon here because school is coming up fast and I’ll have to do enough of that kind of thing there, but basically, the blog world became an obsession for me, and it caused me a great deal of anxiety. The act of blogging/commenting became the compulsion that I needed to carry out in order to minimize that anxiety. In a nutshell, my answer to the question “why do you blog?”, was “because I need to in order to keep my anxiety at bay”.
Not. good.
I needed to satisfy a baking itch, and since I'm waiting on bananas to ripen (sigh), I decided to whip up another one of my favourite recipes: Cinnamon Raisin Bran Muffins (recipes page). Call me old-fashioned, but bran muffins are probably one of my favourite kinds of muffins... which is probably not a piece of information that I'd readily share on a first date...
This realization actually just dawned on me a few days ago, and I was… not pleased when it did. I mean, here I am trying to get a good rhythm going with this whole blogging thing, and I find out that the thing preventing me from doing so is a little bit more sinister than I had originally thought. Great. So now what do I do?
Self-medicate! Err… no, scratch that.
Self-medicate.
Self-therapeut…ize! (??) (work with me here) — Apply a helpful therapeutic technique to yourself in hopes of it… err… helping.
So you see, rather than falling off the face of the earth or suffering some unfortunate consequence as a result of Friday the 13th, I was actually just busy undergoing a form of self-therapy; preventing myself from carrying out a compulsion (blogging), and managing the resulting anxiety. Bo. ring. I told you the reason behind my absence wasn’t all that exciting… but it was rather helpful.
We've been having cold, rainy, nasty, miserable weather here lately, but at some point in the last few days, the sun managed to make a brief afternoon appearance, so I jumped on the rare opportunity and enjoyed my lunch outside. Sunshine, salads, and sandwiches... life. is. good.
Not allowing myself to follow my rigid posting schedule (yes, I still felt like I had to stick to certain days/times) was rough in the beginning, but after a few days, I was actually able to forget about blogging and enjoy myself… so much so that I kept extending my absence until today where I actually found myself wanting to write as opposed to feeling like I had to.
Lesson learned?
Nothing bad happens just because I break my “rules”. The world does not end, disaster does not strike, and I actually enjoy myself while doing other things. Come on Amanda, this is something you should already know after all of the food “rules” that you’ve broken over these past few months. Facing a fear, although somewhat uncomfortable, is generally (9.9 times out of 10) rewarding. Seriously, I need a bright pink Post-It Note or something… one day I’ll finally get it…
Would you believe me if I told you that this delicious mish-mash dinner was actually the result of a disaster aversion? I had originally planned on having a baked sweet potato with a side bowl of a veggie burger, broccoli, pasta sauce, and hummus mish-mash, but after waiting the 40 minutes for the SP to bake, I took it out of the oven only to discover that it tasted horrible. I don't know what the hell was wrong with it, but it was inedible. Crisis. Since I was starving and unable to wait on a slow-cooking grain, I whipped up some quick kamut flakes, threw them into my previously mentioned mish-mash bowl, topped the whole thing with Sunbutter, and called it a meal. Delicious disaster aversion.
So there you have it. Not an apology for taking an extended absence, but an overly-lengthy reason for doing so. I will apologize, however, for the somewhat heavy psychological post I just forced you to endure…
I’m sorry.
I probably should have blamed my absence on a spur-of-the-moment decision to go on an African safari or something, buttttttt I wouldn’t have had the pictures to prove it, and I do my best not to make lying an overly habitual practice.
In any case, I… *brain fart* … just lost my train of thought, so I’ll end it here with the promise of some upcoming posts dedicated to:
- a new recipe,
- a detailed day of eats and exercise, and
- my ever-evolving food philosophy.
Happy Tuesday, loves.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 48 Comments
I’m glad you’ve broken free from your blog-habit. It is remarkably easy to feel like it is an obligation rather than a hobby, isn’t it? I also used to post daily and I have no idea how I did it. Now I post every other day – max. And I am so much happier doing it.
To be honest, I wish you ran off to Vegas with a man named Alejandro. Then at least one of us would be living a dream.
I’m glad you are so honest with us, and now, being more honest with yourself and your needs.
I too got it into my head that I should blog every day, which made me enjoy blogging less, and I almost forced myself to write. Now I post every few days, when I feel like it, which feels so much healthier overall. My next goal us to set a time at night when my computer is closed, so to speak. Like at nine or so.
I think it helps to remember that people would much rather read a post that’s written because you were inspired to write, instead of just because you felt like you had to. Because usually those are the best posts to read! And honelsty, your “break” from blogging was how long I usually have between my regular posts, so I actually woulnd’t call it much of a break persoanlly! Haha!
I think it was smart of you to take a longer break than normal though. It’s good to do that, because you appreciate blogging more when you don’t have it in you life for awhile. Just like relatoinship
<3 tori
I truly believe you NEVER need an excuse for taking a break from blogging! Glad you’re back though! And those muffins have been on my to-make list ever since you first posted about them!! Not gonna lie, I laughed about the bran-muffin-on-a-first-date thing. Maybe not the best topic!!
I don’t think it’s unusual to develop new objects of obsession after you’ve made headway getting rid of old ones (eh-hem, ED). At some point during my recovery, I became overwhelmed with other little non-food compulsions. I remember making a “promise” at some point that I would not itch my head ever again in my life (I have a bit of dandruff and everyone tells me that not itching it will make it go away). My god, that was a HORRENDOUS week. All I could think about was my head itching with a vengeance. I honestly almost started crying in class because of head-itch. I would go an hour or two without itching it, itch like crazy (eww), and then suddenly become terrified of retribution from the forces of the universe.
… anyway, maybe on overshare, but my point is: (a) good job recognizing an unhealthy new development and taking steps to end it! (b) isn’t it interesting how some of the things we learn in recovery about addressing problems and facing fears are helpful in other areas of our life? and (c) don’t be so hard on yourself! Everyone occasionally lets a coping mechanism run away with them; what’s important is that you’ve recognized the problem and stopped it from doing any more damage. As long as you uncover these things and take care of them, you’re doing great! No need to feel as though you’re losing it; your handling of this issue shows sanity and self-awareneess.
No need to apologize for not blogging! This is your blog and you shouldn’t blog to please all of us, the main aim is to blog because you want to and you will enjoy doing it so we can all totally appreciate your break! There is so much more to life than blogging that is full of enjoyment and we would much rather you were out there enjoying yourself and having you and your time as the priority than stressing about having to do a post! Plus the time in between your posts makes them even more exciting I think as we eagerly await some more inspiration from you
But that inspiration is definitely made greater when you have a a break in between the posts because blogging everyday becomes difficult and you start to lack ideas of what to write about.
And wow, you have made me SO excited for your upcoming posts – they sound FAB!
In the meantime, enjoy having that time to yourself and having fun
xxxx
No worries. Unplugging is definitely necessary. I’ve chilled out a little on my commenting. Although I absolutely love reading everyone’s posts, I’ve added so many people to my google reader that I was just feeling out of control anxious if I was away from a computer for more than a few hours! That’s no way to get through the day…
But hello again! Wonderful post as always.
Well done! I think you took a brave step to take this break, and it sounds as though the experience was a liberating one. Hopefully blogging can be less of a compulsion/anxiety reliever and more of a pleasure in times to come. I need to take more blogging breaks in preparation for September, as when my course starts there will be alot less time and energy for blogging.
I admire you for questioning your relationship with blogging, and taking steps to make sure it is enjoyable rather than a pressured endeavor….
Sarah x
You can “bore” me with psychology nerdisms any day hun…I’m a psych nerd too, so it works! Anyway, I’m sure you know this, but eating disorders are very closely linked to anxiety disorders (particularly OCD). If you think about it, it makes sense. Rejecting food in order to avoid the anxiety it causes sounds eerily similar to OCD. So I think you are doing the right thing by taking a step back, recognizing that regular blogging might even be bad for your health, and doing just what is right for you at this time.
You are too cute with your banana bowl! I understand the need for different stages of ripened bananas. I don’t like to eat the brown ones unless they are frozen (yeah I’m weird but they taste like ice cream or a popsicle…kind of like the banana soft serve trend, except not blended. I actually eat a lot of frozen fruit- while it is still frozen. So good!)
Hope you’ve been enjoying your real life away from the computer and I’m so happy you’re taking care of yourself. Much love <3 <3
You should be so proud of yourself for recognizing that blogging was becoming an unhealthy habit and stepping away to handle it before it got out of control. I feel like a lot of the time it’s the healthy habit that turns into an unhealthy obsession (my initial interest in exercise rings a bell…). I suppose it’s part of the black and white thinking that we’re battling.
Your banana situation looks similar to mine…when I buy too many my family is put into “operation potassium.” Everyone has to step up their game and eat at least one a day, which is totally not a problem for me
im glad ur back but totally understand!!! i should learn from u! just a quick random fact…if u seperate the bananas from eachother (like break them apart) they ripen slower!) xoxoo
I definitely don’t find “heavy psychological posts” boring, but I was a psychology major, so that’s to be expected.
Anyway, I’m glad that you were able to get to the bottom of this before it became too much of an obsession… it’s awful to wake up one day and realize that you’ve just replaced one thing (ED) with another (blogging)! You never have to apologize for unplugging — after all, real life should come first.
<3 <3
O dear, blogging is so overrated! Most people have never read a blog.
I do it almost daily cause I feel I have way to much going on in my head, and my blog is an unloading dock. But I dont always feel I should unload, and I dont stress out about it. Its analogous to exercise is a way. I love doing it, but taking a break, although maybe a little mentally challenging, is necessary, and oddly enough, liberating. I do appreciate that you visited my blog during your break. I honestly love your comments, believe me, I get some dumb comments, yours are actually insightful and down to earth.
PS I crave baking sometimes too, end even though I’m a professional chef, I usualy end up burning it.
I love you, Amanda. The way you express your weird thoughts are just beautiful, haha!
And you did the right thing to take a break, to… well, break free from a mentality that caues you stress and anxiety. You do not need to blog every day, or every week for that sake. Nothing bad happens if you blog when you feel like it. When your heart wants to blog, not when your mind feels like you “have to”. That is when you should write a post, because only then is it benefitial for you.
Your readers care about you and want you to enjoy this place to express yourself. Nobody wants you to feel obliged to anything besides blogging when you want it.
You are starting to live life, and that will take you out of the door and away from this computer for longer times than when you started your blog. And you know what? To jest bardzo dobrze
<3
PS : So proud of you for sandwiches, two slices of bread with lots of deliciousness between is heaven
As crazy excited as I was to see this post come up on my blog reader, I even happier you were able to take time “off”, enjoy life, and begin to break any unhealthy relationship you may have developed with blogging. It’s so crazy to see how the behaviours we showed in our EDs translate to other parts of our lives. But I’m happy that you’re happy!
Also – I would read a bahjillion word paper on the most complicated psychological opic your could imagine if it were written in your words and with your unbelievable food pictures spliced in – truth!
I’ve been hunting a raisin bran muffin recipe the past few days! They’re my mum’s favourite and raisin-anything spells delicious in my book. I may or may not be stealing yours
Have a great day, beautiful
izzyy
xoxoxo
It’s quite an accomplishment in itself to realize that you’re using blogging as a fuel for an OCD like obession, let alone that you worked around it to overcome it. Blogging is supposed to be fun (as far as I know) so when you’re stressed out about it, why do it? Glad that you’re seeing it with a new perspective.
And never apologize for your posts! People come here to read about you in the first place, if they don’t like it, then why do they bother coming? Those who matter will enjoy what you post because they enjoy hearing/learning about you. At least that’s what keeps me coming back.
Don’t be sorry! I think that your decision was wise. All too often, I feel myself “needing” to post, otherwise no one will ever read…. I forget that I started to blog for my OWN benefit, not to please others!
The odd thing is, though, I enjoy reading blogs about people who appear passionate about writing them. That is why I love yours! So post when it makes you happy, when you have time, and when you truly feel inclined- not forced- to do so.
Sending support!
I feel like a lot of us took a break throughout the last week or two – and often sometimes a break is exactly what we need to get back into the swing of things, full force
Good to have you back – those sandwich/salad combos look scrumptious!
Everyone needs a break and I’m glad you took one
We all know how burdensome blogging can be sometimes – you just have to step back for a while! Great post!
you shouldn’t feel bad for taking breaks! it’s your blog, after all, and you should do whatever you like to it. i’m sure we all can find something better to do than glueing our faces to the computer screens reading blogs 24/7
I get baking itches too! And bran muffins totally rule above all other muffins! They are Kings! Glad we agree.
I also feel anxious when I haven’t posted for a while but I have to take a deep breath and remind myself it’s a break well-earned . . . I’m not a day-to-day blogger anyway but similar feeling *.*
xoxo Char
No need to apologize Amanda for needing a break !!!!! What i truly love about your blog is not only your honesty abut your creative twist to each post – often combining the psychological side with delicious recipes and meal ideas!!!!! I’m just happy to see you needed a well deserved break – we all do once in a while!!!!
Hope the weather improves a bit for you – it too has been quite dreary here the past 2 days!!
Love how you averted the dinner crisis – very clever!!!! And i adore your banana bowel!!!
Have a wonderful rest of the week!!!!! xo aimee
I’m proud of you!!!! Breaking out of your comfort zone is definitely uncomfortable and I am glad you were able to live life.
I can’t wait to see the recipe and see your day of eats!!!
I can really relate with you!!
I remember falling into the same pattern as you – and the first night I just decided to not post because I was tired/busy/having a life/whatever I was doing – I felt so relieved. Sort of like “Hey, I’m still alive!” and now I’m more lenient. I still find myself posting almost daily, but because I WANT to – not because I feel the NEED to. So, I’m glad you’re self therapy worked, too. It makes blogging so uch more fun and relaxing!! Although, I will say – your upcoming posts sound fantastic
I used to do the whole blog every day with all my eats thing way back when, and then slowly started to put up less of my foods, to blog less often and now I only do it when I feel so inclined and feel like I can come up with SOMETHING to post about (which doesn’t seem to be very often these days!). It definitely became more of a chore than it should have and I haven’t felt a whole lot of inspired lately so it makes it hard to blog on the regular. But that’s okay! I’d much rather blog when I actually feel like it. And much rather READ things that people actually want to say, rather than feel obligated to. And frankly, I kind of prefer when some bloggers blog a little less often because I cannot for the life of me keep up with all of the blogs I want to every day and I end up skimming over and often missing the real jist of some really great posts. So when people blog less often, I have an easier time keeping up with their lives and their words which is always nice. And I definitely like keeping up with your always great posts. So only blog when you want! And I’ll be sure to keep on reading
PS – Bran muffins are awesome.
PPS – keep your eye out for giant bundles of reduced bananas. We bought a nice big batch today that are already slightly overripe. Perfect for baking in a day or two!
Blogging definitely should be an enjoyable and enriching experience.
It’s funny though to realize how an eating disorder mindset with all its rules and regulations can just shift to other areas of our lifes once we recover from the eating disorder. Just comes to show that it’s so not about the food!
Can’t wait to read your upcoming posts, intersting stuff ahead
I give you credit for realizing that your blogging habits were becoming obsessive. Some people won’t even acknowledge when there’s a problem, let alone take a step back from it. I can be OCD about things too. My big problem is cleaning!
Ive found that blogging once became slightly obsessive, I felt I had to respond to every single post people wrote. Ive taken a step back recently, although I do still read the posts I dont always reply and I havent posted in my own blog for a long time simply because I havent wanted to.
This is something you should enjoy and find helpful, it shouldnt interfere with you everyday life, so well done for taking the step back as well. Do what you feel like doing not what you think you have to do.
xox
Laura
As I’m here in Zurich, with a lot of stuff happening (or a lot of stuff actually not happening, which is good since I need the vacation), my need for blogging is a bit smaller. But I still want to write a post here and there, when I have something interesting to share.
I’m glad that you know when you need a break, I guess you’re really in sync with your brain and emotions
Gosh how beautiful your oats look like. If only blueberries were less expensive here…
I can relate to every single thing in this post. I really do want my blogging to become a happy hobby (that happens to bring me lots of joy) instead of a stressful obligation (that brings me a lot of stress).
I don’t know. I really hope I find the balance. But, for now, I’m still aiming for seven posts a week because I’m a goal-oriented person and when I don’t make goals …. I get realllllly lazy. I don’t know … right now, I’m not to stressed. I’m very capable of keeping up.
So, I want you to know that your blog is AWESOME. This is my time of food right here. Looks sooooo delicious and healthy. My mouth is watering!
Best wishes from one blogger to another,
~Zabrinah
I think I definitely have a blogging compulsion. Not so much posting, but more commenting. I always have to find something to talk about in the comments and it has to be something meaningful. I get about 50 posts to comment on everyday, and I feel the compulsion to say something on all. I don’t know how to prioritise!
Never apologize for not blogging!! I, too, get very obsessive with blogging. I would find myself slaving away editing pictures for a post for the entire day, everyday. It became more of a chore than just something fun I enjoyed doing. I realize that I don’t HAVE to blog if I don’t want to or don’t have the time to. We’re not getting paid to do this so it shouldn’t feel like work. This is YOUR blog, you choose what you want to write about, you share what you wanna, and you post when you want to. This blog is about YOU so you shouldn’t feel obligated to please all of us! We’re just background people along for the ride and we enjoy reading your posts no matter when they come along!
It’s GREAT to see someone coming back from a blog absense and NOT apologize. I’m guilty of it too, but I swear that everyone feels an obligation/obbsession with blogging to some degree.
… For a minute I thought your overnight oats were cereal, and I was like ‘What?! Amanada DIDN’T have oats for breakfast?!’ Haha.
I’m glad that you’ve been taking some time to work on this obsession… because unlike eating, it’s not exactly detrumental to your physical health and could be easily overlooked. I think a lot of people can relate to your struggles… me included… and to see you stand up and turn blogging back into a hobby and nothing more is really inspirational
I’m SORRY that I haven’t responded to our e-mail… I am hoping to get to it tonight. But wait, we aren’t supposed to be apologizing, right? Hah.
Love you girl!
<3 Tat
So glad to hear this and you made a wise choice girl! Great to see you back:)
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
I hope you really enjoyed your break. Obsessions suck
.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but this summer made me pray for a day with “cold, rainy, nasty, miserable weather” and I’m actually a little jealous
.
Yay for taking time off!! I took a week off at the beginning of the month, and it gave me so many wonderful ideas…what’s more, I was SO EXCITED to blog when I got back!! I’ve been doing more small posts lately because I like that it’s more flexible and easier to write them. Do whatever works for you love!!
You know sometimes I’ve wondered if my blogging was just a way for me to transfer my obsession with disordered eating over to an obsession with posting about food. They do have some remarkable similarities… Anyways, I’m glad you were able to enjoy some time away from the blog world! It shows that blogging doesn’t HAVE to be an obsessive thing, as long as you don’t treat it that way and make sure to get a healthy dose of reality along with blogging. On another topic, those muffins look amazing and I can’t wait to make them!
Have a good day girl!
Glad to see you back here as well. It’s always nice to take a break to recharge your energy before coming back to reality.
Amanda,
hello darling <3 I totally can relate to this post…i too look back at my blog from even a year ago when i was at such a horridly low weight and place in my life and i see how i posted every day! i can't even remember how i was able to do that! it did consume me loads, my entire morning would be spent downloading pics and editing and writing…I as well have stress when i break from blogging, i feel like i should be, like its my obligation, or i neeeeed to do something and sometimes posting makes me feel like i accomplished something worth while in my day? idk…but i have not been posting much at all recently and i think its for the best..i do still have anxiety around not blogging, but i blog on occasion now and its just random and when i have the time or have something to share that i need to get out and isn't the same old thing, you know? but never the less, i really love to blog and i love to read your blog and i think you are amazing.
i love your eats, bran muffins are my favorite as well, hmm maybe after carrot
love you,
xx
eliza
ps http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Blog%20Addiction%20Disorder%20%28BAD%29&defid=4948502
— the example in the sentence is Hilarious, lol!
haha ;P i think that is the funniest "diagnosis" everrr !!!
Kudos for dealing with that before it got worse! Glad you’re back, I love your posts!
Well welcome back! I have to stay I have felt the same way in the past and decided that I needed to feel motivated to blog not feel like I HAD to blog. So i’ve been blogging when the mood strikes! It makes me so much happier and also makes for better posts! Good for you!
Good for you :] I am glad to see you doing this for YOU :]
That being said I am glad to see you back, and happy you have a healthy relationship with blogging now!
Scott
you’re so lovely and real!
glad you bought chias happy to see some awesome upcoming posts in the near future! have a lovely end to your week, keep chillaxin and enjoying every bit of it!
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I guess I’ve never felt like blogging was a chore, which is why it makes me sad that it felt like that for you! I’m glad you’ve found a way to strike a balance between blog life and real life. And I’m glad that you enjoyed yourself and didn’t feel stressed out!
I take frequent breaks from blogging, too. There was a time when I posted every day, and there have been times when I’ve gone almost a month without posting, but it all just depends on the ebb and flow of my mood and what I feel comfortable sharing or not.
I’m glad you’re back!
♥Alexandra
please dont feel sorry, in fact im proud you took a little time for yourself which many need and want but cant shake the anxiety long enough to do. and i know how hard it can be with OCD and trying to get things ‘right’. Its so easy to slip into ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking.. either blogging 24/7 or not at all. but u needed a little head space to just breathe for a bit and get better composed and i think thats fantastic! i will say however how pleased i am to see ur ‘hello, it’s me again post’ to feature bran muffins!! haha you melted my heart <3
love ya
xoxo