Please say that you do…

I’m sorry for mysteriously vanishing on you guys and staying away for so long, but I’m just popping in to let you know that I’m back, and that it would mean a lot to me if you visited me at my new home…

Running with Spoons

Being hungry and stuck in traffic? Slightly more unpleasant…

Being hungry and stuck in traffic with a bladder that’s about to burst? Absolute hell…

How I managed to make it home after sitting in traffic for an hour without chewing off a limb or making a not-so-pleasant mess in my car, I’ll never know, but there you have it; miracles happen every day, and thank goodness for that is all I can say…

The beauty of nature is a subtle miracle that often goes unnoticed in our fast paced lives. We need to slow down and smell the flowers once in a while.

I know that it’s technically still summer and all, but with the days slowly growing shorter and chillier, and school right around the corner, it’s already beginning to feel a lot more like fall. Not that I’m complaining; fall is my favourite season and I look forward to its arrival every year. There’s just something incredibly comfy and cozy about the soup and sweater weather that fall provides. And that’s saying nothing about the gorgeous colours and seasonal produce… Love. it. all.

But let’s go back to soup for a second or two…

With our weather being the way it’s been lately [read: cold, cloudy, wet], I’ve been finding myself craving more and more of the comfort and warmth of a homemade bowl of soup. I enjoy a variety of different soups, but one of my favourites is inspired by my favourite season; an autumnal blend of pumpkin and apple, with plenty of warming spices like curry, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves to take off the chill. I know it’s a bit early yet, but fall will be here before we know it, and this curried-apple pumpkin soup is a great way to welcome the new season. I hope you enjoy…

. – . – . – .

Curried – Apple Pumpkin Soup

This soup is wonderfully thick and and extremely flavourful. I usually just eat it straight up, but it also tastes great with the addition of a grain or as a base for lentil stew.

Ingredients (serves 1)

• 1 cup reduced sodium vegetable broth
• ½ cup canned pumpkin puree
• ½ tsp. coconut oil
• ½ an apple (any variety), thinly sliced
• ¼ of a white onion, chopped
• curry powder, cumin, ginger, cinnamon, cloves (amounts vary by taste)

Simple ingredients for a simple, but delicious, soup.

Instructions

1. Add the coconut oil and chopped onion to a small skillet set over medium heat, and allow the onion to cook until it starts to brown; ~ 3 minutes.
2. When the onion begins to brown, add the sliced apple, stirring until combined.
3. When the apple begins to soften, add your spices. I never measure mine so these are estimations, but I use approximately ½ tsp. curry powder and cinnamon, ¼ tsp. cumin and ginger, and a few dashes of cloves.
   

   I know that the combination of apples, onions, and curry powder may sound like an extremely odd one, but trust me, be brave, and try it out; I promise you that you won't be disappointed.

4. Reduce the heat to low, cover the skillet, and allow the apple and onion to continue cooking for ~ 5 minutes.
5. While that’s cooking, combine the veggie broth and pumpkin puree in a medium sauce pan, and set it on the stove over medium heat.
6. When the apple finishes cooking, add it to the sauce pan containing the veggie broth and pumpkin, and bring the whole thing to a boil.
   

   Not only does the whole process of cooking leave you with the promise of a comforting bowl of hot soup, but it also fills your kitchen with the mouth-watering aroma of cinnamon and curry.

7. Once it begins to boil, cover the saucepan, reduce the heat to medium-low, and allow it to simmer for another 15-20 minutes.
8. After 20 minutes, remove the saucepan from the stove and allow it to cool slightly before pouring the contents into a blender. An immersion blender would also work.
9. Blend until smooth, pour into a bowl, and enjoy!
   

   The whole recipe makes approx. two cups of soup; perfect for a single serving. I've heard that you can actually COOK soup in the Vitamix, but the idea kind of freaks me out, so I stick to using the stove to cook and the Vitamix to blend... maybe I'm just old fashioned.

. – . – . – .

And there you have it; one delicious bowl of soup guaranteed to take the chill out of even the crispest of fall days. The whole recipe is for one serving, but it’s easily scaleable to serve more. I made a huge pot of it a few days ago, and I’m actually tempted to say that it tastes even better once it’s been allowed to sit in the fridge for a little while. In any case, it’s great with the addition of a grain (rice, bulgur, noodles), as a base to a bean/lentil and veggie stew, or just straight up on it’s own with a couple of sandwiches on the side…

It was a slightly chilly day (again), so today's lunch was a bowl of hot soup with two sandwiches (one with avocado, the other with egg salad), and some steamed broccoli.

And on a quick and final note, guess who’s birthday it is tomorrow! No, it’s not mine. Remember this little pillow-stealing bundle of fur?

It's her birthday and she'll steal pillows if she wants to. But who am I kidding? She'll steal pillows even if it's NOT her birthday...

Mmm hmm… it’s actually her birthday tomorrow; or at least it is according to the one that I picked out for her. I don’t know exactly when she was born since I picked her up from the shelter as a stray and they couldn’t tell me, but after some good old fashioned adding, subtracting, and carrying of the 2, I figured that she must have been born more-or-less around this time, and August 20th seemed like as good a date as any. In any case, she’ll be 7 tomorrow (eeeeep!), which means I have to bake up a doggie-friendly cake and lovingly torment her by putting a pretty party hat on her head and singing her a Happy Birthday or two. She’s got it rough, I tell ya…

Happy Thursday, loves.

Are you a fan of soup? What’s your favourite kind? I need some new ideas!

Do you do anything special for your pets on their birthdays?

- fallen into a bottomless pit, or

- been sucked into a black hole, or

- run off to Vegas to elope with a man named Alejandro, or

- been abducted by aliens, or

- fallen victim to the Black Death, or

- been lying in the hospital in a vegetative state, or

- come down with amnesia, or

- been hit by a bus, or…

… Actually, I think that about covers most of the bases…

The real reason behind my extended absence isn’t exciting or drastic in any way, but it’s a good reason nonetheless. Allow me to explain…

In an effort to tone-down my raging pudding addiction, I let my supply run out, and I won't buy more until I have things a bit more under control... or until my will power crumbles; whichever comes first. At some point during the past few days, breakfast was a bowl of coconut-blueberry-banana overnight oats, with ground flaxmeal and sliced almonds added for taste and texture. I. was. cold.

When I look back to the days where I first started blogging, I have a hard time believing that I was actually able to post daily; I can’t imagine how I managed to do so without losing my mind. Truth be told, though, I was losing my mind…

The constant pressure I felt from my perceived blogging obligations caused me so much stress, anxiety, and guilt, that I’m not exaggerating when I say that I was losing sleep and passing on life “out there” just so that I could stay home, sit by the computer, and post/comment/e-mail to minimize the anxiety that I felt.

Whoa, hold on a second; red flag going up…

An unshakeable, anxiety-provoking fixation? Sounds an awful lot like an obsession. Having to carry out certain behaviours in order to minimize the anxiety from said fixation? Sounds eerily enough like a compulsion. Put the two together, and you might just have yourself a slight problem…

Allow me to introduce you to my banana bowl. I tend to go through bananas pretty quickly (oats, smoothies, yogurt messes), so it's not exactly easy for them to get to that perfectly ripe point that makes them ideal for banana bread... Since I NEED a regular supply of banana bread, the only option was to start buying more bananas in hopes that they'd survive the green/yellow stage and pass into the spotty brown one. So far, two have managed to make it... meaning banana bread is on the way.

No, I don’t suffer from OCD (at least I hope I don’t…), but I do tend to have a somewhat obsessive-compulsive personality that likes to act up every now and then.

I’m not going to go too in depth with all the psychological jargon here because school is coming up fast and I’ll have to do enough of that kind of thing there, but basically, the blog world became an obsession for me, and it caused me a great deal of anxiety. The act of blogging/commenting became the compulsion that I needed to carry out in order to minimize that anxiety. In a nutshell, my answer to the question “why do you blog?”, was “because I need to in order to keep my anxiety at bay”.

Not. good.

I needed to satisfy a baking itch, and since I'm waiting on bananas to ripen (sigh), I decided to whip up another one of my favourite recipes: Cinnamon Raisin Bran Muffins (recipes page). Call me old-fashioned, but bran muffins are probably one of my favourite kinds of muffins... which is probably not a piece of information that I'd readily share on a first date...

This realization actually just dawned on me a few days ago, and I was… not pleased when it did. I mean, here I am trying to get a good rhythm going with this whole blogging thing, and I find out that the thing preventing me from doing so is a little bit more sinister than I had originally thought. Great. So now what do I do?

Self-medicate! Err… no, scratch that.

Self-medicate.

Self-therapeut…ize! (??) (work with me here) — Apply a helpful therapeutic technique to yourself in hopes of it… err… helping.

So you see, rather than falling off the face of the earth or suffering some unfortunate consequence as a result of Friday the 13th, I was actually just busy undergoing a form of self-therapy; preventing myself from carrying out a compulsion (blogging), and managing the resulting anxiety. Bo. ring. I told you the reason behind my absence wasn’t all that exciting… but it was rather helpful.

We've been having cold, rainy, nasty, miserable weather here lately, but at some point in the last few days, the sun managed to make a brief afternoon appearance, so I jumped on the rare opportunity and enjoyed my lunch outside. Sunshine, salads, and sandwiches... life. is. good.

Not allowing myself to follow my rigid posting schedule (yes, I still felt like I had to stick to certain days/times) was rough in the beginning, but after a few days, I was actually able to forget about blogging and enjoy myself… so much so that I kept extending my absence until today where I actually found myself wanting to write as opposed to feeling like I had to.

Lesson learned?

Nothing bad happens just because I break my “rules”. The world does not end, disaster does not strike, and I actually enjoy myself while doing other things. Come on Amanda, this is something you should already know after all of the food “rules” that you’ve broken over these past few months. Facing a fear, although somewhat uncomfortable, is generally (9.9 times out of 10) rewarding. Seriously, I need a bright pink Post-It Note or something… one day I’ll finally get it…

Would you believe me if I told you that this delicious mish-mash dinner was actually the result of a disaster aversion? I had originally planned on having a baked sweet potato with a side bowl of a veggie burger, broccoli, pasta sauce, and hummus mish-mash, but after waiting the 40 minutes for the SP to bake, I took it out of the oven only to discover that it tasted horrible. I don't know what the hell was wrong with it, but it was inedible. Crisis. Since I was starving and unable to wait on a slow-cooking grain, I whipped up some quick kamut flakes, threw them into my previously mentioned mish-mash bowl, topped the whole thing with Sunbutter, and called it a meal. Delicious disaster aversion.

So there you have it. Not an apology for taking an extended absence, but an overly-lengthy reason for doing so. I will apologize, however, for the somewhat heavy psychological post I just forced you to endure…

I’m sorry.

I probably should have blamed my absence on a spur-of-the-moment decision to go on an African safari or something, buttttttt I wouldn’t have had the pictures to prove it, and I do my best not to make lying an overly habitual practice.

In any case, I… *brain fart* … just lost my train of thought, so I’ll end it here with the promise of some upcoming posts dedicated to:

• a new recipe,
• a detailed day of eats and exercise, and
• my ever-evolving food philosophy.

Happy Tuesday, loves.

Although I'm still unwilling to call my addiction to chocolate pudding oatmeal a food rut, I decided to play it safe today and switched things up in this morning's breakfast...

I had my regular eggy-banana-oats, but this time I exchanged the chocolate pudding for vanilla, the almond butter for coconut, and tossed in some blueberries for good measure. Still delicious, but I was kind of left missing my chocolate... good thing there's always tomorrow morning.

Calories. Diets. Scales. Treadmills. I don’t think there’s one woman out there who hasn’t been a slave to at least one, if not all, of those demons at some point in her life. And the sad thing is, that most of them don’t even realize that there’s something very wrong with the way they think; society has raised us to believe that it’s perfectly normal to be unsatisfied with our bodies and that it’s consequently okay to be obsessed with diets and exercise.

What do you mean you’re not concerned with how you look, what you eat, and how much you sweat? That’s irresponsible and unhealthy!

And it’s with that kind of mindset that disordered thoughts easily mask themselves and go by unnoticed; they hide behind the guise of an innocent desire to be healthy.

Besides the taste, my measure of a good smoothie includes it's ability to make spoons "float". By that definition, this was a darn good smoothie, as you can see it was thick enough to support the weight of my spoon... and with no evil gums or consequent stomach aches! Hooray!

What it was, was a serving of medium tofu, ¼ cup of vanilla almond milk, ½ a frozen banana, ½ a super ripe mango, and 4 large ice cubes. If you add enough sweet fruit, you can't taste the tofu at all, and you're left with a smoothie that has a wonderfully thick pudding-like consistency. I topped the whole thing with Kashi GLC and plenty of cinnamon before going to town.

So, it becomes “normal” to label different foods as “good” or “bad”, and to worship exercise as being close to godliness. We praise and admire the people who eat clean and spend long hours in the gym for their “healthy” lifestyle, but does anyone ever stop and think that what some of those people are doing is the opposite of healthy? That their “healthy” habits are actually nothing more than a disorder in disguise?

Perhaps I’m overly sensitive to picking out disordered behaviours and the thoughts behind them because recovery forced me to identify and overcome my own, but I notice a lot of unhealthy beliefs behind many people’s “healthy” lifestyles; and I don’t even have to look that far to find several instances where this is the case…

A rather rainy afternoon left me with a serious craving for something warm and comforting, so instead of turning to a cold sandwich or wrap, I opened my pantry and glanced through my overly-large collection of grains before deciding to go with one I haven't had in a while; millet.

I cooked the millet in veggie broth, tossed in some frozen mixed veggies, added salt, garlic, and thyme, and stirred in a few spoonfuls of cream cheese when the whole thing was done cooking. This. was. dee. vine. I'd heard about stirring cream cheese into a grain dish before, and a cheesy craving this afternoon led me to try it out for the first time. So glad that I did... A rather ugly fried egg was also consumed, as was a salad beast... but that goes without saying.

It saddens me to say this, but the food blog world is full of people who display a plethora of disordered habits when it comes to eating and exercise, and it’s not only from those who are suffering from a diagnosed eating disorder and trying to recover; many “healthy living” blogs are actually “disordered living” blogs in disguise.

I’m sorry, but going out for a long run or spending a few hours at the gym only to come home and “refuel” with a couple of egg whites, vegetables, and a piece of low-carb bread topped with such a measly amount of butter/nut butter that you can see the grooves that the knife left behind from all of the effort that went into scraping off as much of the “fat” as possible? Are you kidding me? That’s healthy?

Get. real.

I guess that the absence of one of my favorite foodie combos (cream cheese & jam) at lunch meant that it would show up some time later in the day... and it did. What we have here is a healthy (note the absence of scrape marks) dose of cream cheese with blueberry jam, atop a toasted slice of sesame seed bread accompanied by a lovely cup of java. Perfect rainy afternoon pick me up.

I’m certainly not trying to say that you can’t get by living that way; God only knows the extensive amount of abuse a body can handle and still “function” relatively well… which is probably why so many people don’t see a problem with what they’re doing in the first place… But living and functioning are two very different things, with the latter being an incredibly pitiful way to live…

Believe me; been there, done that, got the t-shirt, don’t recommend it.

There’s absolutely no reason to half-kill yourself with exercise, eat less than 1800 calories (hello starvation!), and avoid carbs/fat/treats like the plague. And if you are doing just that, then please don’t try to pass it off as being healthy; ‘fess up, admit that you probably have a problem, and put some effort into fixing it.

Holy smokes; I just realized that it was an incredibly cheesy day... Dinner marked the third appearance of cheese in the form of ooey-gooey mozzarella atop my favorite pumpkin-hummus tortilla pizza.

Please realize that I’m not trying to point any fingers or specifically call anyone out; those aren’t my intentions at all. If there’s anything I hate, it’s hypocrisy, and I’ll be the first to admit that I still struggle with enough disordered thoughts of my own to be a far cry from being considered perfectly healthy.

What I am trying to do, however, is get people to take a moment and really examine their relationship with both food and exercise to see if they aren’t simply fooling themselves into believing that it’s a healthy one. Believe me when I say how easy it is to confuse “healthy” with “disordered”; I spent years thinking that all of my disordered thoughts and behaviours were nothing more than a desire to be the healthiest I could be. The irony is that the healthier I “tried” to be, the unhealthier I became, and it wasn’t until I hit rock bottom and was forced to ease up on all of the exercise and restriction that I started becoming truly healthy; both in mind and body.

See what happens when I don't honor my chocolate pudding oatmeal addiction in the morning? My cravings for it last throughout the entire day and I'm forced to quieten the nagging voices with an after dinner dessert. This was a bowl of Greek yogurt with a crumbled up Super-Charge Me cookie and a glob of my beloved chocolate pudding. Mmm content at last...

Another thing I’d like to quickly add is that, as bloggers, our words, thoughts, and actions are accessible to virtually everyone out there. Many impressionable young girls stumble across our little space on the ‘net, and admiration paired with a general lack of knowledge and direction leads them to want to mirror what we do. Please make sure that the message you’re sending across is truly a healthy one, because there are already enough unhealthy messages out there; we don’t need to add more.

. – . – . – .

I’ve been considering doing a post devoted to what I eat in a day, and how much exercise I do simply because, while I wouldn’t consider myself the perfect role model, I have learned countless valuable lessons on my journey back to health, and I’d love to squash some of the common misconceptions that I see a lot of people adhering to; most of which I adhered to at one point or another as well. We’ll see…

*steps off soapbox*

My addiction to adding pudding to oatmeal isn't really letting up... There's just something about the combination of chocolate, almond butter, banana, and firm eggy-oats that always leaves me wanting more. I've eaten this same bowl for... many, many days in a row now, and I would call it a rut, except that it's just too darn good to be classified as rut material... at least for now.

Yes, auto-pilot is a wonderful thing indeed; although, after this morning’s fiasco, I’m considering switching it back to manual again so that I can start paying a leeeeetle bit more attention to what I’m doing in the kitchen, and consequently increase my chances of avoiding disaster (because a bad breakfast IS a disaster)…

See, while someone (not naming any names… Mom) was making dinner last night, she they carelessly replaced the spices on the spice rack without putting them back in their regular spots. Thus, when my hand reached for the cinnamon shaker this morning, it grabbed the oregano instead, and since my head was up in the clouds (not necessarily thinking about llamas and tutus), I failed to notice. Dis.as.ter.

Dash, dash.

Wait a second; what’s that smell? That’s not cinnamon…

Oh, %@&*$#! It was actually my nose that came to the rescue, lugging my brain out of la-la land and shocking it into action. Now, don’t get me wrong; oregano is a wonderful spice and all, and savory dishes certainly have their time and place, but not at breakfast (no offence to those who like savory breakfasts).

Savory lunches? Sure…

Good thing autumn is on it's way, because then my cravings for warm soup won't be so out of the ordinary. Taking care to make sure I grabbed the RIGHT spices when lunch time rolled around, I made a bowl of curried-apple pumpkin soup with plenty of curry powder, cumin, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves.

And dinners? Definitely…

I've been experimenting with the spices that I add to my stir fries, and right now I'm hooked on the combination of garlic powder, ginger, cloves, fennel, and star anise. I've also been trying out different noodles, and I'm loving these whole wheat egg white spirals that I found a while back.

But breakfast isn’t breakfast unless it looks (and tastes!) more like this…

It may have been simple paranoia, but the only thing I could think of throughout my entire meal was "Do I detect a hint of oregano? No... Wait! Was that it? Hmm. Maybe not... THERE! No..." Before I knew it, I was all the way through my bowl, and I STILL couldn't tell if there was oregano or not...

Thankfully, I was able to react fast enough to prevent too much damage from being done. I scooped out the few spoonfuls of oats that were too far gone to be saved, added the proper spices, and plotted putting something very unpleasant in my mom’s morning tea (I didn’t). My oats were still extremely good, but I could swear that I detected a slight hint of oregano; it might have just been my mind playing tricks on me, though… In any case, take heed and pay attention to that spice rack!

. – . – . – .

In all seriousness, though, there is actually something that I’d like to caution you about. By now, I’m sure that we’re all familiar with gums (xanthan and guar; not Dentyne and Trident). They’ve been showing up on countless blogs around the blog world for quite some time now, and although I was late in jumping on the bandwagon myself, curiosity eventually lead me to give both a try.

Miracle workers. Godsends. Magical for their ability to thicken up a smoothie, and loved for their ability to help keep us fuller, longer. After my first trial, I was smitten, and the gums became a regular addition to all of my smoothies; or “soft-serves” as I began to affectionately call them.

Xanthan gum is made from little bacteria, which is why I was kind of resistant to try it from the get-go. I should've listened to my gut-feeling and avoided the stuff; it would have saved me an afternoon of excruciating pain and agony. Live and learn.

Their ability to thicken up a smoothie was a nice perk, but I’ll admit that I was probably more impressed by their ability to keep my hunger at bay for extended periods of time. What I wasn’t impressed by, however, was how they made my stomach feel… Bloated. Gassy. Crampy. Squirrely. Nothing too serious, but uncomfortable all the same. My body was sending me subtle hints that it wasn’t enjoying what I was putting in it, but I continued to ignore those hints in favor of satisfying disordered thoughts, and “filling up” in a not-so-healthy way.

Unfortunately, when subtle hints fail to do the job, the body turns to more drastic measures in order to get the message across, and yesterday, my body decided that it had had enough, and the gentle whispers it had used to try and get my attention up to that point turned into screams.

Although I love eating smoothies, I don't enjoy making them for two reasons. First, the blending process is insanely loud and obnoxious; I have to wear earplugs or I'm afraid that I might go deaf. Second, I'm not a big fan of cleaning the blender; I feel like I'm working against the clock, because as I'm busy slaving away at the sink, my smoothie is busy melting...

Enter the worst stomach pain and general feeling of malaise that I think I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was so bad, that I honestly thought I would have to take a trip to the ER; even my intense fear of doctors and hospitals wasn’t strong enough to deter me from just wanting the pain to stop. I felt like I was literally going to explode from all of the pressure in my body, and it wasn’t just in my stomach, either… I felt it in my limbs and head as well. It. was. terrifying.

The culprit? This seemingly innocent looking little guy…

It was a smoothie soft-serve no different than the ones I've had in the past. Almond milk. Strawberries. Vanilla protein powder. Gums. Ice. Kashi Honey Sunshine. Pretty normal stuff. The reaction, however, was anything BUT normal... Pain like nothing I've ever experienced, and the torturous thoughts of "Why the hell did I eat that?!" came in shortly after, only adding to my misery.

About half an hour after finishing a snack that I’d had several times before, the problems began; mildly uncomfortable at first, but gradually increasing to ER-worthy status. I’ll spare you the gory details, but I will say that it’s something I never want to experience again; and when I was finally lucid again by the end of the day (yes, it lasted almost all day), I promptly threw both of my gums into the trash to ensure that I wouldn’t get tempted by them in the future.

As it turns out, although xanthan and guar gums are generally thought to be safe, they are known to commonly cause side effects such as cramping, bloating, nausea, and diarrhea. People with IBS, narrowing of the intestines, or any other undiagnosed stomach problems are encouraged to avoid the gums due to their tendency to absorb tonnes of water and bulk up in the intestines, which could lead to severe and harmful reactions, like the one I experienced (but thankfully survived) yesterday.

Sadly, I've had to say goodbye to thick smoothies and go back to the thinner ones; but if straw-suckable smoothies will save me from the agony that spoonable ones caused me, then I'm willing to make that sacrifice... besides, they're still plenty tasty (and decently thick) when a frozen banana, vanilla protein powder, coconut milk, and ice are involved...

Truth be told, the whole ordeal could have easily been avoided had I just listened to my body and trusted my intuition instead of succumbing to disordered thoughts that revolved around a lingering fear of hunger. I thought I was past bulking up my meals and making myself sick in an attempt to keep hunger at bay, but apparently I wasn’t. Nevertheless, rest assured that I learned my lesson, and I’ll be twice as vigilant from now on to catch any more disordered behaviors that might still be hanging around.

Moral of the story? Don’t ever ignore the subtle messages you get from your body, because it will turn to more extreme ones, and those are… unpleasant, to say the least. If you’re hungry, eat food, because simply masking your hunger, besides being physically and mentally unhealthy, is usually rather uncomfortable as well.

And so we rested…

Oh, to have a dog's life... I brought out some pillows for myself to lay on while I was out basking in the sun this afternoon, and I probably should have put more effort into guarding them because as soon as I went inside to grab a drink, my comfy spot was stolen from me by this little creature...

I didn't have the heart to wake her up and tell her to move (she looked so cute and comfy!), but apparently she was in a good mood today, and decided to be nice and give me back my spot when I went back outside. Thanks Kaiah; my tan owes you one.

… all. day. long…

. – . – . – .

Hello, hello beauts. I tried my best to cut down (it’s hard to stay away completely!!) on the time I spent in front of the computer this weekend, and since I’m not really in the mood for writing tonight (oddly, I’d rather be catching up with all of your lovely lives), this post is going to be short, sweet, and to the point.

I hope that you all had a wonderful weekend, full of good times and good food.

And, I hope that you’ve all having an equally enjoyable evening (also full of good times and good food, naturally).

I’m off to cozy up to a big bowl of this…

Tonight was going to be a movie night, but we couldn't really think of anything we wanted to watch so we decided to make it a game night instead. But, movie or game, popcorn still makes a perfect snack. I enjoyed my bowl with melted vegan butter, sea salt, and a sprinkle of nooch. Perfection.

… while I do my best to defend my title of “Undefeated Scrabble Champion”. Nevermind that the challengers’ [read: Mom & Dad] first language isn’t English, while mine is; such minor details are irrelevant and don’t change a thing *cough*…

Happy Sunday, loves.

Do you enjoy Sundays? I used to really dislike them because they were too slow for my tastes (I tend to prefer go-go-go), but I’ve been putting in more of an effort to relax lately, and I find that I’m actually starting to enjoy Sundays more and more. Of course, that might all change once school starts up again, and the prospect of Monday becomes less appealing….

What’s your favorite board game? I’m a big fan of Scrabble, but some of my other favorites include Monopoly, Clue, Life, Trouble, Battleship, and Jenga.

I'm doing my best to cherish the last bit of summer, but at the same time I'm kind of looking forward to going back to school as well. I've gained so much health and clarity over these past few months, and I can't wait to see how my improved condition affects my school life...

And speaking of relief, thank you so much for all of the understanding and supportive comments you left on my last post. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who suffers from the blogging blues, although I have to admit that it’s a bit off-putting at the same time… Blogging can be such a positive little addition to life, and it’s kind of sad to see it become a negative one instead…

Kaiah says thank you for all of the sweet comments you left about her, and she's now convinced that she needs to be given more "air-time". But, she would like you to know that she is a SHE and not a HE.

Yes, it requires a certain time commitment, and it can be incredibly stressful if taken too seriously, but blogging is also a great way to “meet” like-minded people, receive support through many of life’s hardships, share/show-off creative talents, and learn lots of new things; it’s such a shame that all of these positives become so easy to overlook when all we do is focus on the negatives…

As much as I complain about blogging, the reality is that I do owe it quite a bit. Coming across an ED-recovery blog was what opened my eyes to the fact that I have the same kind of problem, and thus it prompted me to start on my own way back to health as well. I’m also convinced that recovery would have been a lot harder than it was had it not been for the encouragement, strength, and support of so many others who were going through the same thing. I’ve made some incredible friendships that I’ll cherish forever, and learned some invaluable lessons that have changed my life…

In addition to the return of school and colder weather, I think one of the saddest things about the end of summer has to be the end of fresh fruit. Even though I've eaten my weight in fresh berries, peaches, mangoes, melons, and cherries over the past few months, I'll still miss them when they're gone...

And then, of course, there’s the food. The blog world has completely redefined the way I eat, and I. am. loving. it. This girl used to consider Mac&Cheese or Beefaroni a pretty damn good meal, aaaaand she probably wasn’t as healthy as she could have been. But since blogging has entered her life, she’s been inspired to try new things and get a lot more creative in the kitchen. As a result, she’s found countless foods that she’s fallen in love with, while developing quite the crush on eating in general.

And I’ll stop talking about myself in the third person now… sorry.

Back in the day, beans, avocado, and pumpkin would never have found themselves in my diet, but now, one of my favorite recipes contains all three... And, it's a recipe that I came up with myself as a result of my increased culinary creativity. I have blogging to thank for that one...

Anywho, thus ends my little blogging-love shpeel. The blog and I are currently in counseling and trying to work things out; hopefully our relationship is on the mend, and we can stop calling each other nasty names very soon. *cough*Jackass*cough*

What? Right. Moving along…

The nice thing about blogging less frequently is having more time to do some of the other things that I enjoy; like playing more video games than I probably should, and finding random things while exploring my backyard…

I found this sucker growing under a tree in my backward while I was out feeding the mosquitos. I don't know much about wild mushrooms, but I DO know that I always think of the phrase "A Shortcut to Mushrooms" from LOTR whenever I see one. I know; I'm a dork... feel free to laugh.

The bad thing about blogging less frequently, however, is having a growing collection of pictures/events that I want to share pile up to the point where no longer know what to show/talk about first…

See, now this kind of situation would normally cause me a decent amount of stress, as I’d be frantically going through all of my pictures trying to figure out how I can present things in the perfect way. But, since that’s something I’m currently working on overcoming, I’m going to do my best to just go with the flow and see what I end up with, which means that things might get a little bit random from here on in…

So what have I been up to lately? Well… a decent amount of this:

Chocolate chip oatmeal cookies are my favorite kind out there, but for a long while, fear had me leaving out the chocolate chips... which kind of defeated the purpose, no? These days, chocolate chips have made a triumphant return, and I couldn't be happier.

I used to use an electric mixer to do all of my mixing when I was baking, but these days I really prefer to do everything by hand. It may take a little extra time and effort, but I find the whole process to be incredibly soothing and de-stressing (is that even a word?).

This was a batch of Super-Charge Me! cookies that I ended up modifying slightly. I left out the shredded coconut (didn't have any), used ¼ cup of maple syrup instead of ½ cup, and replaced half of the flaxmeal with wheat germ... Then I eyed the one that I'd be devouring as they finished baking...

There's nothing like finishing up breakfast only to start baking up a fresh loaf of banana bread. It was my rest day from the gym, and since we've been having such hot weather lately, I decided the best time to bake would be in the morning before it actually started baking outside...

... thus a deliciously dense loaf was born right before lunch, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't tempted to try and make a meal of it. Sadly, I didn't, but that's okay because I was able to enjoy some later in the day, and banana bread tastes better when left to sit for a while anyways.

Which obviously means that there’s been plenty of this:

I always try and pick out the cookie that's the most "loaded" with goodies, and I struck gold with this one... Plenty of ooey-gooey melty chocolate chip goodness.

I'm still quite addicted to crumbling cookies into yogurt, and is it just me, or does that orchid look like it's ready to devour my precious snack? Back off buddy, you may be pretty, but I'm a mean one when I'm hungry, and when it comes to protecting my food, I don't mess around...

There have been a lot of days lately where I've been having my daily cup of coffee in the afternoon as opposed to the morning, and a slice of banana bread is a perfect accompaniment to my beloved java... especially when it's topped with melted coconut butter.

Balanced out by a good amount of this:

My meals have been getting more and more random lately, as I try to hit all of my cravings in one go. This was lunch a few days ago, and I was apparently craving hummus, broccoli, carrots, pasta sauce, avocado, a hardboiled egg, and toasted sesame bread...

This was my first attempt at baked pasta in... well... ever, and it was fan-freaking-tastic. While the noodles were cooking, I heated some pasta sauce on the skillet with red bell peppers, mushrooms, and spinach, then mixed that into the noodles, topped it all off with shredded mozza, and threw it into the oven at 350 for around 20 minutes. Oh, cheese, how I love thee.

I'm still going strong with the sesame tofu stir fries... This one had plenty of veggies, a few chunks of a mandarin orange, firm tofu, toasted sesame oil, soy sauce, and was accompanied by shy brown rice that didn't want to be photographed because of an apparent malfunction in the make-up department.

But besides eating plenty of delicious food, I’ve been regularly partaking in another activity which has become incredibly near and dear to my heart… exercise. It’s been about a month since I joined my gym, and I. am. in. love.

Now, before you make any quick assumptions, no, my relationship with exercise is not headed in an unhealthy direction; quite the opposite, actually. Since I’ve started working out regularly, my desire for health has only increased. After spending so many years in a weak and fragile state that left me fatigued even after only walking up a flight of stairs, I’m amazed by my increasing strength, and I only want more.

I know it’s only been a month, and a relatively easy one at that, but I feel so much stronger and more energetic now than I did 30 days ago. I see myself able to go longer, harder, and faster than I could when I first started, and it makes me want to cry from joy. My body is coming back to life, my muscles are rebuilding (my PT said he could see some muscle definition starting to show… WOO!), and I can’t wait to see what changes another month will bring. The body is truly an amazing thing, especially when we treat it properly…

Enjoy your weekend, loves.

Q: What’s your favorite part of blogging? How about exercise?

"Hello, beauti.... wait, Momma, I think I blinked... Once more. Once more. I'll get it this time for sure."

Dork.

"Hello, beautiful readers! I hope your noses are cold, and your tails are wagging!"

. – . – . – .

Hello beauties, and happy Wednesday. Has it really been four days since I last posted? Eep. I’ve gotten so used to posting every other day, that a four day absence makes me feel like I haven’t blogged in forever. At least, like I haven’t physically blogged in forever… mentally, it’s a whooooole other story.

See, mentally, I’m basically blogging all. the. time. Even if I’m not physically sitting at the computer typing out a post, commenting, or answering e-mails (phew!), chances are that blogging is infiltrating my thoughts in one way or another. No matter what I’m doing, something blog related always seems to be on my mind…

“Hmm… what can I write about today? Come onnnn; think…”

“Ooo this is a pretty creative dish; I should probably make it look nice and take a picture before I dig in…”

“Oh, God… Google Reader is going to kick my butt when I get home…”

“Sorry X, I can’t go out and do Y; I have to finish up this post.”

That last one is the worst one of them all, but I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never passed on life out there in favor of fulfilling some sort of perceived blogging duties. Or, if I did end up actually choosing to go out and participate in life, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy it because I wasn’t “all there”; my thoughts would constantly drift back to the blog world in one of the ways that I mentioned above, and a certain amount of guilt and anxiety would always accompany those thoughts.

Meal times have become a way for me to catch up on blogging. When I'm at home, I eat 90% of my meals and snacks by the computer, and during those times, I'm pretty much always either commenting, answering e-mails, or writing a post...

... and it kind of sucks because it usually means that I'm not fully able to enjoy delicious meals like this chocolate Vitamuffin yogurt mess, because I'm too busy focusing on something else.

It. is. exhausting.

Seriously; I’m getting worn out.

Whereas I used to actually enjoy blogging (I think?), now the very thought of sitting down at the computer and opening WordPress, Google Reader, or even my e-mail makes me shudder… I’m probably being a little bit over-dramatic here, because it’s not like I hate blogging; I actually enjoy it quite a bit. What I don’t enjoy is feeling like I can never truly disconnect from it; like I can never have a real break and focus entirely on other things because blogging is always on my mind in some way.

Does that make me sound crazy?

Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m headed that way…

Looking through my last few posts, you would probably think that I eat nothing but sweet snacks. While my insatiable sweet tooth would love for that to be the case, I DO actually try to keep things balanced and eat savory meals as well... and while they may not be AS delicious, they're still pretty darn good; especially when they consist of savory oats buried under far too many toppings.

Maybe I’m just taking this whole blogging thing a little too seriously. Actually, let me rephrase that. I know I’m taking this whole blogging thing too seriously, but I honestly don’t know how else to take it. Everything that I do has to be done well, and to the best of my abilities; I either give it my all and exhaust myself in the process, or I give it nothing and abandon it without looking back.

I blame perfectionism and a black and white attitude; the two things that give me trouble in so many other areas of my life as well… But, try as I might, I just can’t seem to find that fabled middle ground. Does anyone have a map? Directions? GPS?

My favorite dinners as of late have been a mish-mash of ingredients all mixed together in one big bowl. This one contained quinoa cooked in veggie broth with a bit of broccoli and dried cranberries mixed in, scrambled eggs (1 egg, 2 whites, shrooms, spinach), steamed broccoli, and some avocado.

I’ve been wrestling with my relationship with blogging for quite some time, and it seems like I’m no closer to finding something that works for me now than I was back when these feelings first started. I’ve already cut down on how often I post, and that’s certainly helped take some of the pressure off, but it hasn’t helped silence the nagging thoughts that I have when I’m away from the computer; the thoughts that want to draw me back into my swivel chair and tell me that I should be doing something blog related, because there’s always something blog related to do. It’s like a task that you never get any closer to finishing, no matter how much work you put into it. Consequently, it’s a “to-do” that’s always looming over your head…

Gah! #$%@^&!

Okay, Amanda; just breathe…

Remember how I said that I kind-of, sort-of forgot about cheese for a while there? Well it's definitely been in the forefront of my thoughts lately. In addition to enjoying it in baked pasta, grilled cheese sandwiches, and straight up plain jane, cheese has once again become my favorite topping for pizza. Nothing beats its ooey-gooey, melty goodness.

1… 2… 3… Breathing…

I enjoy writing, I enjoy photography, and I enjoy commenting and being a part of this community. That’s all fine and good. What’s not all sunshine and rainbows is how seriously I take all of these things… It’s not a race, it’s not a matter of life and death, and it doesn’t have to be done perfectly.

I know this, but actually getting myself to ease up and start applying that knowledge? That’s a whole other story. Nevertheless, it’s a story that I’m going to have to start living, otherwise I fear that I may just get so frustrated one day that I’ll say “to hell with it all”, delete my blog in the heat of the moment, and vanish without a trace.

Poof. Just like that…

And because no post would be complete without a picture of breakfast, here's a bowl of baked apple pie oats that I enjoyed some time within the past few days. I actually made this bowl in an effort to keep myself from OD'ing on chocolate pudding oats, because I've been eating them for the past week or so, and to burn out on such a delicious meal would be a tragedy indeed. Crisis averted.

… and then I know that I’d miss it. Besides, ditching my blog and running away from the problem wouldn’t be any kind of solution at all; perfectionism is something I struggle with immensely, and if I don’t work on doing something about it now, it’s just going to keep affecting me in anything and everything I try to do in the future.

Sigh.

Q: Why do you blog? Does it ever feel more like a chore than an enjoyable hobby? And do you experience guilt/anxiety if you don’t post or comment regularly?

]]> http://seekmyself.wordpress.com/2010/08/04/blogging-blues/feed/ 51 Amanda @ . seek . Wait, I Think I Blinked Hello From A Kaiah Face Multitasking Get In My Belly Buried Savory Oats Cold Quinoa Salad Say Cheese! Baked Apple Pie Oats http://seekmyself.wordpress.com/2010/07/31/speechless/ http://seekmyself.wordpress.com/2010/07/31/speechless/#comments Sun, 01 Aug 2010 00:35:50 +0000 Amanda @ . seek . http://seekmyself.wordpress.com/?p=7527 ]]> . . .

There are certain things in life that render me speechless, and this morning’s breakfast left me at a complete loss for words…

I’ve been branching out a lot more with my eats lately, and I find myself becoming more and more comfortable with picking up new things to try while I’m browsing the aisles of the store.

Yesterday’s grocery run had me coming home with a new brand (Zensoy) of pudding to try, in a different flavor: chocolate & vanilla. Since I’m completely in love with having pudding on oats, this morning presented the perfect opportunity to try out my new buy. Best. decision. ever.

It was more than a meal…

I always prepare my base oats in the same way… ¼ cup dry steel cut oats cooked in 1 cup of water with 1 egg white and ½ a sliced banana added in near the end of cooking. There’s nothing I hate more than runny oats, and I find this method gives them a really firm and cake-like texture… perfect for ooey-gooey toppings like chocolate pudding and roasted almond butter.

… it was an experience…

I always try to get a little bit of everything in every spoonful. Banana eggy oats? Check. Chocolate pudding? Check. Almond butter? Check. Deliciousness beyond belief? Oh hell yes.

And after an experience this good…

A lot of the time, I honestly have a hard time believing that I eat the way I do… that something that tastes THIS good can be considered a healthy and balanced breakfast. I mean, just look at it! Would you ever be able to guess that this is actually a healthy meal and not a dessert? Sneaky.

Reaching the halfway point of a meal this good is always a bittersweet thing for me. Of course I’m insanely happy as a result of the half that I’ve already eaten, but I start to get a little bit sad knowing it will all be over soon… That doesn’t mean I don’t savor every. last. bite though...

… sometimes the only thing you can say is:

Please sir, I want some more... Tomorrow morning? Promise? Deal. Be there, or be square...

daaaaaaammmnnnnn…

. – . – . – .

A late night storm (love these!) left me internet-less for the majority of the day (do not love this), so I wasn’t really able to get a proper post done; but there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of oat porn every now and then, right? Anywho, since I’m about to run out the door to attend a little family get together and bid my cousin adieu before he jets off to Montreal for school (lucky bastard! err…), I don’t really have a lot of time to chat, but I do have a quick question before I go…

I’ve been seeing a fair share of people throwing raw oats onto their yogurt messes or into their smoothies, and I was just wondering… is it okay to eat oats raw? I mean, are they hard on the stomach? The reason I ask is because I sometimes find myself craving a spoonful or two of raw oats as opposed to cereal, but my stomach can be a bit finicky and I don’t know how it would take to them. Has anyone ever had any bad experiences eating oats raw? And what are some other ways to enjoy them besides tossed into yogurt or smoothies?

I hope you’re having a wonderful Saturday night, loves! I’ll be catching up with all of you when I get back from spending time with the fam… Much love.

I love the calm of the early morning... I hate starting out my day rushed, so even when I have to be somewhere at an ungodly hour, I still make sure to wake up with enough time to take things slow.

Cinnamon Spice Tea

I've noticed that my stomach doesn't really appreciate coffee when I plan on working out after breakfast, and since that's my favorite time to hit the gym, I've been drinking black tea instead. It's definitely helped, and if I find myself craving the taste of java, I simply have a cup later on in the day.

Oatmeal Breakfasts

I'm seriously loving my two-tone oats; it's the best of both worlds! I usually like to have a spoonful of regular oats, followed by a spoonful of chocolate oats, and then another spoonful of regular, etc. Yes, I'm quirky, but that's part of my charm.

… Pimped Out Oatmeal Breakfasts…

No bowl of oats is complete without a nut butter of some sort, in my humble opinion. I don't think a day has gone by since I started eating nut butters again, where one hasn't topped my breakfast bowl, and I don't think a day ever will.

Oatmeal Lunches/Dinners

Savory oats have become one of my favorite go-to meals. I know they may sound a little odd to those who've never tried them, but they're seriously good stuff. Oats are a grain like any other, and they can be made savory or sweet. Try it. Trust.

This bowl was a variation of my regular savory oats. Instead of having them with a fried egg and hummus, I threw in an Amy's Texas burger and some sliced avocado. Ohhhh heaven.

Yoga In The Sun

Okay, so my mat looks ridiculously dirty. I swear it's not that bad IRL, it's just the lighting... or something. Anyways, I couldn't hit the gym this morning, because my RD shadowing came at a weird hour, so I did a quick strength session at home, followed by some outdoor stretching. I really need to stop taking my iPhone with me everywhere... technology addict? M'yes.

Seriously Stuffed Sandwiches

I've never liked close-faced sandwiches... until today. I had to pack a lunch to take to the hospital, and a sandwich seemed like the best idea. Unfortunately (or at least I thought so), I couldn't take my sandwiches open-faced like I usually like them, and I had to close them up to keep things clean. The result was two seriously stuffed sandwiches (cream cheese & jam, and avocado), and they. were. so. damn. good. I may just start closing my sandwiches more often, provided there's enough stuffing.

Signs of Summer

It's hard to believe that summer is half over. It seems like just yesterday that I was getting out of school, and now there's only a month left before I have to go back. Oh well; I'm still going to try my best to savor this last month of summer and all of it's loveliness.

Guilt-Free Chocolate

Remember my ridiculously large cereal stash? Well, my chocolate stash is the same. I have several different bars in circulation at any given time, because I never know what kind I'm going to crave. Pure dark? Milk? With berries? With nuts? I can't tell in advance, so I always make sure I'm prepared...

Guilt-Free Google

I don't know if anyone else suffers from Google guilt, but seeing a really high number on my Reader makes me shudder, and thinking about a growing number while I'm away seriously stresses me out sometimes. This morning, I somehow managed to get my Reader down to (0)... it was beautiful.

Making Messes

After shadowing, I decided to do some baking. For 3 days now, my kitchen has mysteriously smelled of cookies. I say mysteriously because... I haven't been baking them. Maybe I'm going crazy, or maybe it was a sign from above telling me that I needed to whip up a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies. I like to think it was the latter... so I did what it told me to do.

Back in the day, the thing I hated the most about baking was cleaning up the dirty dishes... the kitchen would always be a disaster area when I finished. These days, I can't stand having it messy, so I usually clean while I go along... which would maybe explain why it takes me so long to bake sometimes...

Since these cookies were vegan, and I was somewhat hungry, I was soooo tempted to just eat the cookie dough raw. But, I'm not really the biggest fan of raw cookie dough (there's just something about eating raw flour that grosses me out), so I somehow managed to hold out for the 11 minutes that these babies needed in order to pretty themselves up in the oven... and then I went to town.

Cleaning Them Up

This was the last slice of my most recent loaf of Blissful Banana Bread (I think it was loaf #3); now I have to be patient and wait for some more bananas to ripen. Sigh. I love eating baked treats by themselves, but lately my muffins/cookies/breads always seem to always be accompanied by yogurt and something else; in this case, almond butter.

See what I mean? Yogurt is always wiggling it's way in. Maybe it's because the hot weather makes me crave something cool... or maybe it's simply because yogurt is just freaking delicious. Either way, this was one of this afternoon's cookies, along with some sliced up dark chocolate chunks.

Silly Stylos

Does anyone else love ridiculously silly office supplies? I was in the store the other day picking up some... I forget what... when I saw this pen and just couldn't resist. His eyeballs pop out when you squeeze his head, but... that seems a little cruel, so I try to refrain from doing it... too much.

Un-Suckable Smoothies

There was a time where I actually avoided smoothies (the whole fear of liquid calories thing), but now I pretty much need to have one every day... I suffer withdrawls otherwise! This one was made with coconut milk, vanilla protein powder, frozen blueberries, and a bit of ice. You know you've made a good smoothie when you can't suck it up with a straw, and this... was a darn good smoothie.

Sesame Stir Fries

In addition to savory oats, stir fries have become a regular dinner guest at my place. I make them with noodles or rice, depending on what I'm in the mood for, but two things are a must: soy sauce and sesame in the form of oil or tahini... or sometimes Sunbutter to mix things up.

. – . – . – .

Life. Is. Good… Happy Thursday, loves.

Q: What’s been making you smile lately?

]]> http://seekmyself.wordpress.com/2010/07/29/things-that-make-me-smile/feed/ 54 Amanda @ . seek . Peace and Serenity Freshly Brewing When In Doubt, Go WIth Both... Pimped Out Oats Oats For Dinner Veggie Burger Oats Sunshine and Stretches Seriously Stuffed Summer Is Beautiful Chocolate Choices Guilt-Free Gathering Ingredients Mingling All Mixed Up Cleaning Up Cookie Monster Mess Silly Stylo Coconut Milk Smoothie Stir Fry Lovin'